pin-up

I don't usually come on and just advertise stuff or push products, but I just want to draw people's attention to the new book of pin-up photography Sexy Super Girls by Mike James (available from Goliath Books). It's just a book of pin-up photography, but quite a few of the images have an LG/ageplay bent, it seems. As well as the preview images that you can see on the website (which include a girl in pigtails playing with a couple of baby bottles!), there's also a free pdf preview floating around out there (I won't link to it, in case the version I have is full of viruses and will infect you, but do Google it) that shows some of the other contents, and they include girls cuddling with teddy bears, girls doing some colouring in(!)...

So, yeah...Give it a look if you like your pin-up girls a little bit more ABDL-themed, I guess.

miscellaneous - stories, public play and pro nurseries

The last couple of nights have been punctuated by Kitty reading me bedtime stories. Due to the current eight-hour time difference between us, I've been reading her bedtime stories too. This is one of those things that I think I mentioned in a previous post: it's something that I have difficulty asking for whilst in 'adult' mode. I still get embarrassed when asking for it, or perhaps, more just anxious about what it means if Kitty tells me 'no'. In kid headspace, one can more freely access and express things like desire for nurture, comfort and so on, and hey, maybe it's a gendered thing too; maybe I have a particularly hard time asking for these things because I'm an adult man. When in kid headspace, I can imagine asking for a story with passionately optimism, knowing that when I ask, I expect an assured 'yes' from Mummy,the babysitter or the caretaker in question. That sort of predictability is reassuring. However I also know that if I were to be told 'no' I might express my dismay in a suitably childlike way too. I might whine or sulk, but then likely either be scolded or reassured. However, none of these outcomes would be particularly unwanted, as either way I'd still feel the serenity and release that comes with knowing that I could freely express these emotions and that I'd still be taken care of one way or another (again, either with admonishment or reassurance) whatever the outcome. As an adult, I still might have difficulty processing rejection, and worry that it might come out in one of several, horrible ways: either as whining that's deemed (and rightly so!) as immature, or else in some sort of passive aggressive way. I'm not perfect, I know, but I'm working on that. Still, as one inhabiting kid headspace, it's comforting knowing that one can act out. One is free to express negative emotions as well as the boundless and candid positive emotions that children profess. These negative emotions are, as I said, still ultimately unwelcome and some way is found to get around them, but then, even that is rather nice. Childhood upsets like that are small, and even a little tantrum can be completely forgotten minutes later.

Anyway, where was I? Was this even what I wanted to talk about?

Did I mention that I wore a nappy out in public a couple of weeks ago? Nothing much happened, really, I was just curious to see if I could, I suppose. Someone had worn one under their jeans to that picnic I had had several months back, so I knew it was something that could be done discreetly. So yes, I went down to Tesco nappied and ended up wetting myself in the baked goods isle. Don't worry, I was all about the safety: I made sure that I didn't leak or anything and I certainly didn't shove my hands down there at all.

It was interesting, but it really didn't do anything profound for me. It was nice to realise that I could wear them out without them getting much attention, but it didn't really do much for me. Maybe it would if I were more ashamed, actually. If the thrill came from the sheer embarrassment of being discovered. Maybe this is one of the side-effects of my stint in San Francisco: if someone asks me if something's up, I'm likely to just plainly come out and tell them that I'm wearing a nappy!

Still, at some other point in the last couple of weeks, Kitty and I were engaging in phone sex, and she mentioned to me the idea of having me go out in public in nappies as a sort of experiment in public humiliation. I'm not sure if this is actually something we'd ever really do or whether this was just wank-fodder or what. Maybe it works better as a fantasy than in reality, maybe I'll have to try it to find out. Maybe it would be better with another person there, actually. When I'm on my own and just going down the shops, I'm just going down the shops. When Kitty is there, she can make a scene and point it out, embarrassing me, telling people that I'm her little diapered slut or something, and slyly rubbing against me through my trousers and diaper. Anyway, this blog isn't just supposed to be a record of my fantasies or whatnot, so enough of that for now. Still, my point remains: maybe this whole 'public wearing' thing is something that would be vastly improved by interactivity with another person. More on that as, if and when it ever occurs, I suppose.

For the first time in my life I'm actually seriously considering booking a session with a caretaker at an adult nursery. I'm almost surprised that this has never occurred to me before. I could lie and say that up until recently something like that has been impractical, largely due to issues regarding money and transportation; although those are believable lies and perhaps even half true: I am basically broke and it was only this year that I gained my driving licence (run-on sentence is run-on). The more likely truth is a kind of weird bias against sex work of any kind. Which is incredibly odd, considering I'm in a long-term relationship with a sex worker (and she's not even the first sex worker I've dated) and I even dabble in sex work myself! Still, I must admit, I find it easier to imagine being on the working side of sex work than on the client side. There are many reasons this recent desire to go and see a professional has come up, and one of them is, indeed, in order to try and see what it's like hiring a professional to take care of my kink needs, and hence see what it's like from that perspective and hopefully gain a fuller, richer understanding of the whole thing, that'll make me understand sex work a lot better. Kitty has also been encouraging me to seek outlets for this kink elsewhere (elsewhere as well as her, as opposed to elsewhere instead of her, at least, so is my understanding of things). Plus, right now I have a little bit of birthday money to spend and a clear time limit in which to try this, so the timing is all just right. Time to give it a go and see how the professionals do it, maybe.

Hey, while I'm there, I may ask a few pertinent questions so that I could then write more intelligently on the whole thing when I get back on here to report about it. Either way, you can expect to read about the thing on here once I'm done, I suspect.

curbing obsessions

It's been an interesting week for me, AB-wise. This week I've been in contact with people about AB stuff for a whole host of reasons, and it's all been really interesting. However, last night, I was talking with Kitty, who quite politely told me that I have in fact been going on about this AB stuff quite a lot, lately, and in the interest of balance, isn't it time I talked about something else?

Now, I have a tendency to get obsessed over things, it's true. And it's important to understand here that Kitty, who has been wonderfully understanding the whole time, is in no way criticising me for being into AB stuff, but instead for the obsessive behaviour that sometimes comes with it. Now like I say, I'm kind of prone to this sometimes. I am not just 'geeky' in the sense that being 'geeky' is actually kind of sexy and cool, but sometimes I am also 'a geek' in the sense of having poor-to-the-point-of-near-autism interpersonal communication skills and an annoying tendency to get obsessed, caught up with, and filled with a fetishy obsession with minutiae. Also, having a blog about AB pride is in no way a sign that I am immune to a lot of the pitfalls of the AB lifestyle: such as the binge/purge cycle. 'Cause yes, sometimes I binge.

It can be hard, when something is so tied into the way one experiences both sexual pleasure and also intense feelings of comfort, not to get obsessed with it sometimes. I had honestly become unaware of just how often I was bringing up AB things in our conversations. I've done this sort of thing before with other things: Batman, Wicked, whatever my weird obsession of the moment was. It's just that, when it is AB stuff (and it has been before) I really need to dig and find that maturity that reminds me that the problem is not the kink but the level to which I am going on about it, because I really don't want to start slipping into making myself feel shamed for having this kink. Especially not since I know that that is not what Kitty is trying to do. She really has been amazing at getting into this kink and has actually written on it a whole bunch lately, not just on her own blog.

But yes, it is so, so easy to give into that feeling of shame that tugs at my ear and tells me that the problem is the kink, not the behaviour. I am in no way immune to feelings of AB-shame. Still, I'm trying very hard, and I hope to discuss with Kitty very soon some ways in which we can become aware of my obsessive qualities earlier and learn to circumvent them, before I get myself into this trap again.

Oh, and did I mention that I got an AB-related birthday present from Kitty this week? Yeah, that was incredibly sweet of her. Take that, voice in my head that keeps trying to tell me Kitty isn't ok with this kink! Take a good, long look at that gift!

So yeah, I'm working on it. I know I'm not the guy you'll find who is just into this stuff and this stuff alone and is a horrendous bore, but I don't want to start to slip, either. Got to keep that stuff in check. I love my AB side, but it or any other aspect of my personality would become dangerous if it were to start singularly going on about it all the time. Kitty sent me a really good link from the ever-wonderful maymay about how kinks are just one aspect/layer of a relationship; it really is a good message to let sink in. I am not an AB all of the time, or rather, yes, I am, but I do not have to interact with people as an AB all of the time, or else then, I become that guy in the diaper at the play party, you know?

maternal

My lovely Kitty attended her second ageplay adventure, this time as a 'Mommy' and had a much better time than at her first one. You can read about it here.

talking and tabulating: my need for nurture and how it found an adult outlet

The last several weeks have really changed some of my thoughts and views on ABDL stuff, you know?

Don't worry, I'm not going to suddenly come off as completely anti it. I haven't done a 180 and become a complete anti-pervert, no fear.

Still, as our wildly differing reactions to the 'Ageplay Adventure' clearly showed, Kitty and I really needed to do some thinking about where our ABDL play was going to go. I still had desires that I wanted met, but didn't want to make Kitty feel uncomfortable about trying to meet them.

So, following the oldest and best relationship advice there is, we talked. We talked about this conflict, openly and sincerely. I'll admit, Kitty instigated things, and I was a little slow to get started, still thinking that maybe, just maybe, I could avoid all of this and the tension would go away.

Then, I came upon a solution.

Kitty has long been a proponent of the idea that my ABDL side is a way for me to ask to have needs met that I don't feel comfortable asking to get met as an adult. I never really got what she meant by this until I had a minor epiphany...during a handjob.

Ok, not a handjob, a 'genital massage' according to the wonderfully hippyish book we were copying techniques from. Kitty gets all sorts of tension in her muscles and also likes feeling that her lovers are actually learning new skills in order to best help her, so I'd actually been trying to be a better masseuse. Plus, there's the obvious benefits for me, too: getting to rub myself all over my gorgeous Kitty and getting a more relaxed, happier and more body-aware Kitty to cuddle up against after its all done.

Anyway, one time, Kitty decides to reward me for my efforts by taking a look through the book herself and giving me some moves pulled from the page marked 'genital massage: male'.

Needless to say, I came. Not only that, I had a frankly amazing orgasm.

Still, something I realised later was this: I got a lot of the same feelings and sensations from genital massage as I do when Kitty changes my nappy. It surprised me but it was true. In both, I feel completely at ease, taken care of by a loving Kitty. I feel like she is paying very close and delicate attention to me and my privates (without simply 'jacking me off'). I feel more aware of my body, and like my body is, temporary, the key site for Kitty's attention too, in a way that is completely removed from the way I'd feel during just regular sexual activity. No, this way far more relaxed, and with a focus on taking care of me. The physical sensations weren't that different either: I was lying on my back while Kitty leaned over me, carefully applying her hands to my genitals. The pleasant smells of the massage oil that we were using even mirrored - to me, at least - the scent of baby powder and lotion that I find so comforting.

I felt completely and totally at ease.

Now, I have a hard time asking for my needs to be met. I find it very tough to ask someone, even someone with whom I'm intimate, to take care of my need to be nurtured, sometimes. I think that - without it any way being too critical of my AB side - a large reason I even have an AB side is so that I have a persona in which I can feel comfortable asking for my most essential needs for comfort and nurturing can be met. Now, Kitty is awesome at taking care of me, just so we're clear. I just need to communicate my needs better and also find ways in which we can both benefit from the experience.

But anyway, yes, back to the talk and my little epiphany. I realised that one of the ways I could make things easier for both of us would be if I took a long look at the various elements of my ABDL kink, my fetish, looked at what exactly got me off or made me feel better in each instance, and looked for a way to take that element and make it something perhaps more age-appropriate and definitely something we could both enjoy.

Just to be clear: I'm not trying to 'purge' my ABDL side or ignore it. I'm not wholesale swapping it out for something 'better'. It's still there, I just needed to consciously evolve it somewhat.

So I went and did some self-improvement homework. And there were spreadsheets, yay! Kitty was mighty pleased that I would even get so excited about self-improvement and self-development, and it was great just to see her so happy over that, let alone to see her so relieved that I was finally dealing with what is, if I'm being honest here, one of the big bugbears of our relationship. Now, once again, Kitty doesn't detest my AB side, but I think she rightfully has said that it does some developing before it becomes something we can both enjoy equally.

But hey, now I have a spreadsheet! The spreadsheet (more of a table, really, I just love saying 'spreadsheet') takes each little part of what gets me off about my ABDL kink and tries to think of a more adult way I can get that same need fixed and a way I can share that adult need with Kitty.

Take the above example: I like having my nappy changed because it makes me feel taken care of, relaxed, nurtured and also important to the person doing the changing, but actually, I get those same feelings from a more age-appropriate genital massage! It was an amazing realisation: that I could get these needs that I thought were taboo met, I just needed to rephrase and recontextualise them a little. Just to give you an idea of how much this table broke things down, wearing nappies, wetting nappies and messing nappies all had their own entries, separate from getting my nappy changed. Don't worry, there were loads of non-nappy related entries on there too.

Like being read to. I love being read to by my 'Mummy' before I go to bed at night. But here's another instance where Kitty is, in a way, more evolved than I am: she can easily enjoy snuggling into bed and being read a comforting story without the need to go into some sort of toddler headspace. A few nights later, we tried that too: seeing if I could get the same needs (closeness, intimacy) met from being read to as an adult as I would being read to as a child.

Eureka.

We really hit upon something here.

Now, I'm not turning against my ABDL side, it's still there and still comes out. I like regressing. Hell, Kitty likes regressing, and I love being her 'Daddy', but that's a subject for a whole other post. The point here is that I finally realised that a great way to let off some steam, to release the pressure that made me feel like I had to so frequently indulge this kink of mine, was to realise that there are a vast number of other ways to get the same needs met. I just needed to explore a little in order to realise and appreciate that.

And, most importantly, Kitty and I are now a lot happier for having that realisation.

Now, this whole incident happened a few weeks ago and things have changed a little since then (our living arrangements, for example) but the lessons learned essentially still hold. Oh, and I love Kitty so very much, still.

don't be that guy

This vid may be explicitly about not being a creepy foot fetishist, but I think lots of people with other kinks could learn from it too.

the adventure

So yes, as I mentioned, I went to an "Ageplay Adventure" party a few weeks ago. It's a regular event held here in San Francisco, but this was the first and last one that I would see in my stint here before heading back to London, so I thought it'd be a great idea to go and check it out.

And, ultimately, it kind of was and kind of wasn't.

The event itself was great. I really liked the space (a sort of club-lite type space with a "dungeon" downstairs, that in this instance was primarily used as a space for photo ops rather than any real hard play; at least, as far as I could tell), I really enjoyed chatting with a lot of the people there (which, after some initial shyness, I found really easy to do) and there were some well-chosen food, games and toys to help bring out the littles in a lot of us (including some peanut butter & jelly sandwiches which, as a Brit, I had actually never tried before, yet somehow I still fell victim to their comfort-food charms).

The problem, though, is that this is still not an easy kink for Kitty and I to discuss, sometimes, and throwing her into the middle of a big ageplay event was perhaps not the greatest of ideas.

Really though, we didn't have much of a choice, it seemed. Even though she is still uncomfortable with ageplay and ABDL stuff on the whole, Kitty appreciated that this would be my one and only chance (for the forseeable future at least) to go to a big ageplay event populated by open-minded San Franciscan kinksters: a place where I could really explore my kink in a kind of space that I had never really encountered before (my own ageplay picnic that I threw a few months ago was an entirely different kind of beast). She felt that to ask me to pass up this opportunity for the sake of her comfort would seem really unfair to me, and so felt that she had to push through, go out of her comfort zone and give it a try anyway.

I, on the other hand, didn't want to come off as forcing her to go to something that she didn't want to go to, especially if she was doing it solely for my benefit. I tried to argue that, seriously, we could just not go, but in the tense atmosphere in which we were discussing this I think I wasn't able to prevent it from seeming like a disgruntled and adolescent-sounding "fine, if you don't want to go, I guess we shouldn't go then."

So yeah, horrible relationship stalemate argument thing. She didn't feel comfortable going but felt that I would ultimately hold it against her if we didn't go, I didn't want to force her into something she'd feel uncomfortable going to, but still really wanted to go myself. I tried telling myself that I would in fact be fine not going, but Kitty was right, I was probably just fooling myself by saying that, and would inevitably, immaturely bring up the fact that she "didn't let me go" in some hypothetical puerile future argument.

So in the end, we went, trying as much as possible to forget the drama that almost led to us not going. And like I said, I had a really great time. Kitty, on the other hand, felt really out of place. I would periodically check in on her and make sure everything was ok and ask if she wanted to leave - as per an agreement we had reached just before turning up - and she admitted that she wasn't exactly in the best place but was fine to stay if that's what I wanted. It was a little awkward, yes, but I knew that if I had said "well let's just go then," it would probably start a tiff.

This is, of course, one of the main reasons I have waited a little while before writing this. I thought it best to lay off writing or talking some more about AB stuff immediately after an event from which neither of us came away completely happy. The other reason is that I've been at Burning Man, which took up a couple of weeks of my time, so yeah, I feel that that was a fair excuse to not do some writing for a bit. I thought it best not to drag my laptop out into the middle of the desert.

So yeah, other observations/experiences from the event:

• I was positively surprised by the female-heavy turnout. I actually always feel more comfortable in female-dominated spaces. Even so, the men that were there were, on the whole, not the fetishist creeps that I feared, but were actually really fun to talk to. There was one major exception though: one guy who honestly talked in nothing but those horrible, clichéd lines one often uses to begin harassment-conversations on Diaperspace. Seriously, he was all "so, do you wear diapers all the time? What kind of diapers do you like to wear?" I didn't realise people actually talked like that in real life. I didn't realise it was feasible to start a real conversation that way. The worst part? He kept failing the Turing Test and when I posed him a question or try to turn the conversation a certain way he would just revert to one of his set questions like I hadn't asked him anything. Truly bizarre. Still, he was an amusing exception, not the rule, thankfully.
• I got talking with the event's hosts, which included veritable celeb of the ABDL world Penny Barber. We chatted somewhat about the event and about the scene in the UK. I must admit, after talking to Penny it sounded like there was some kind of huge scene in the UK that I am just missing out on. I'll clearly have to talk to some people when I get back, particularly the guy behind Care4Baby, apparently. Penny also had a changing table set up as part of the event and I even got changed by her after I had wet my diaper (after checking with Kitty that getting changed like that would be ok, of course). I must admit, this was the realisation of a long-time fantasy of mine. So yeah, once again, thanks, Penny!
• This kind of relates to what Charlie said, and what I was discussing some more in a previous post, but I actually felt really at home and really comfortable amongst the people there, even though many of the people there were people who had been at the previous event that had made me feel so uncomfortable I didn't even join in properly. I guess a combination of factors helped me feel more comfortable: the greater number of people made me feel less like I was intruding on a small, intimate group and more like I was at a club of like-minded people, and could step out of my relative anonymity and into talking to people whenever I felt like it. It also helped that, at this event, there were a lot more people around my age. The previous event had seemed to skew a bit older, making me feel a tad left out, but this time I felt fine.

So yeah, all in all, I had a lot of fun and would love to go to something like that again, if I'm being honest.

However, it did expose some issues that Kitty & I clearly have around this kink of mine, and we'll have to discuss those further (and have been discussing them since this event happened). I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable, but she doesn't want to feel like she's not allowing me to experience this kink of mine. It is a bit of a dilemma. Still, that's a post for another time, I think.

Plus, I imagine I'll come back and write some more about this event when I look back at this post and realise all the things that I forgot to write about this time.

and in other news

I'm going to an "Ageplay Adventure" this weekend. Wish me luck! I'm sure I'll report back afterwards with the good, the bad and the naughty.

feeling lost - making space

I keep finding myself in instances where, although I like what a particular community does/is about, I cannot find myself feeling like a part of that community at all.

I remember an instance when I was in my first year at university; I was full of the joy that comes with a new locale and an apparent new lease on life, and one of the ways my excitement was showing itself was in my manic joining of every single university society ('soc'), group or team that I could possibly join. Almost none of these ventures of mine really went anywhere: I sucked at the sports teams I tried out for (which, frankly, were some of the geekiest sports ever anyway, including fencing and "Ultimate") and quickly got bored of PhilosophySoc et al.

One group I joined was the RPGSoc, that is, the role-playing games society. My tenure with them did not last long at all. Despite having spent many a geeky Saturday in my teenage years playing Dungeons & Dragons and the Buffy the Vampire Slayer RPG with my schoolmates, for some reason I felt so incredibly out of place amongst the members of the RPGSoc that I actually, bizarrely, had a minor freak-out during my second meeting with them and ran out on them in the middle of a session.

The truth is, I just felt really out of place there. Sometimes I will encounter something that I enjoy immensely that I would still rather do with my friends and other people who casually enjoy it. Sometimes 'legitimate communities' turn me off.

It's like I said to someone who once asked me whether I was going to go and see The Mighty Boosh live: I love The Mighty Boosh, but I would absolutely hate to be in a room full of Mighty Boosh fans (since I'm not a teenage girl, I'm sure you can imagine why).

The point of all of these anecdotes? Sometimes I feel like I just don't belong in certain 'kink' or ABDL communities, no matter how much I'm into the particular kinks involved. Sometimes I feel like Bitchy Jones going to femdom clubs and wondering why on Earth a place supposedly dedicated to meeting my desires doesn't meet them in any way at all. I feel more out of place and alone than when I thought I didn't really have a community.

What brought all of this on? A recent munch I attended. Now, I know ageplay munches can go well. Hell, I've hosted one. Still, most of the time, when it comes to ageplay get-togethers, I (and Kitty too) really do end up feeling like we don't belong.

Kitty's solution to all of this is, of course, deceptively simple: make your own community. Kitty is somewhat an adept at this. Disappointed with most kink/sex communities and club nights, she got involved in making one of her own (which has now turned into something of a cult international sensation, thanks, in a very large and real way to her own efforts).

Now, I'm not sure what's going to happen with my own munch. The second one didn't quite go to plan and now I'm (temporarily) a few thousand miles away from where I'd like to be hosting one. Still, I'd love to continue with them when I get back. I'd love to continue with this Kitty-inspired experiment in seeing if I can create a community of people that I do get on with better, people with whom I have more than just my kink in common. It should be interesting.

mess

**warning - scat**

Kitty, being a relative newbie and naif to the whole ageplay thing, will sometimes ask me questions about the ABDL community that make me realise what an odd set of things I've normalised.

Kitty, coming across an article on stuffing oatmeal into one's diaper in order to simulate having messed oneself, asked me why people into diapers don't just mess themselves.

I initially answered that, weird as it may seem, a lot of people in the ABDL scene, despite its seeming focus on nappies/diapers, are actually about as poo-phobic and weirded-out by scat-play as 'normal' people. Still, Kitty looked at me and just asked me "Why?"

Indeed. Why? Kitty is very pragmatic when it comes to kink, you know, and is pretty much open to people doing anything as long as they do it safely and sensibly. Plus, as she said in a recent podcast interview (in which both of us talked about ageplay a little bit), one sees a bit of poo anyway when one engages in anal play, so really, sometimes one has to be a grown up about it and just deal with it. Don't get too squicked by poo.

So yeah, long story short, after thinking about what she'd said for a little while, the other day, I decided to have my first real experience of messing my Bambinos. I won't go into the gory details, that's not what this post is about. What it is about is realising that I can feel free to play around with my ageplay boundaries and even get a bit gross and disgusting sometimes (in a controlled and safe environment, of course) and realising that that's ok.

One big advantage to the oatmeal, however, is that you can get the 'just messed' feeling whenever you want, not just when you actually have to go.

Another big advantage though: if your early messing experiments do go a little wrong and end up creating a small mess outside of your diaper, I'm sure you'll feel a lot better cleaning up oatmeal.

Ok, that's singularly the most squick-tastic post I'll write for a while, what's next...?

Pride/picnic

A lot has happened in the last few weeks.

London Pride 2010 was this past Saturday. Kitty, her San Franciscan flair for silliness and playfully sexy theatricality on full display, went as "Faggette the clown," showing a bit of clown pride. I went in full little gear: corduroy dungarees, bib, teddy bear, et al. I believe the "back story" was that I was some kid who'd come to the circus, only to then be abducted by the wicked Faggette (a nice tie-in to our 'kids at the circus' outing at the Bizarre Ball*).

This was actually my first time out in little kid gear during the day and I had a great time. Kitty and I got lots of comments on our outfits and they were pretty much all positive. We actually really couldn't have picked a better place to be wearing some spectacularly odd clothing, the partying Priders were all very up and positive about, well, everything, really.

Also, I must admit that it was nice to see that several people asked to take my/our photo or have their photo with me/us. I was especially pleased as, in all honesty, I tend to get a little petty and petulant when I'm out with a girl, we're both in costume, and people ask to take a picture of only them, sometimes specifically asking for me to not be in the shot. However, we were both equally popular. We were also both amused when we discovered that the first people to take photos of us actually had no idea that there was a Pride parade & event going on; I guess they just thought that we'd just stepped out that way that day.

Which, funnily enough, is pretty much exactly what we did the next day!

Yes, in a spectacular spate of bad planning, I'd arranged for a ageplay/ABDL picnic-munch to take place in the middle of the day, the very day after Pride London. I obviously didn't seem to realise that my target audience would have all been out getting plastered the night before. Long story short: no-one came.

Still, the incredible bright side of all this was that Kitty and I got to have a nice picnic in the park in the sunshine, just the two of us, both kitted out as little kids on a 'teddy bear's picnic'. I must admit to having been slightly more embarrassed to be out and about in that get-up on a day where there wasn't the excuse of a big, gay carnival to partially excuse my outfit. Still, I clearly wasn't embarrassed enough to not take some cameraphone photos and post them to Twitter & Facebook. I also uploaded some photos from Pride to facebook, including one bearing the caption "Me, showing some little/AB pride." So yeah, I guess I am now a little bit more 'out' than I may have been previously, although frankly, I imagine many will just think I simply enjoy going out of doors in odd-looking outfits and perhaps won't think to Google what an "AB" is. Still, thanks to previous shenanigans of mine, coupled with Kitty's own utter lack of discretion, I imagine I have few friends left who don't have some vague inkling about my ageplaying side, actually.

Ok, a brief interlude for one dark moment though. I got really, very pissed-off indeed (although in classic British style, I, perhaps quite unfortunately, didn't show it) during the train ride back from Pride (so yeah, due to bad planing, we've gone back one day in the narrative here. Pay attention!). I was still clad in my little gear: dungarees with turned-up trouser legs, bib, and I appeared to have gained a balloon, when a woman not three feet away from me, apparently forgetting that we were on a mostly quiet train and not a rowdy nightclub, where she might have gotten away with making a catty comment about me from three feet away as it would've been drowned out by the general din, very loudly asked, while looking me up and down, "what the fuck is he wearing?"

Now, I wouldn't have even minded as much had she asked me, looking me in the eye, "what the fuck are you wearing?" but no, I got a "he," her eyes instead roving down over me, as if I couldn't hear her or she didn't care if I did. She at least had the sense to look a bit remorseful and shocked at her own - very loud - outburst when I looked her in the eye (again, we were standing near the doors of a London Underground train, only about a metre apart, with no people directly between us), with a questioning look, clearly betraying the adult intelligence that she no doubt thought I didn't have. I politely explained that I was coming back from a parade and a party and that my partner and I were dressed according to what we felt would be appropriate/acceptable for the gig (ashamedly, I didn't mention specifically that it was Gay Pride. For all my supposed pride, I still didn't want to introduce that into the conversation, fearing that that may provoke some bigotry).

She got off the train a couple of stops later and I went down to sit next to Kitty, who, wrapped up in removing her clown face, had actually missed this exchange. Still, I must admit to having been a bit thrown by the whole experience. There's something uniquely insulting about being talked about as if you're deaf, dumb, or just plain not there while you are mere feet away from the person doing so and even looking right at them. I don't feel I'm doing a good job of explaining it here, but I genuinely felt insulted and dehumanised. That stayed with me for the rest of the afternoon.

This was all pretty much forgotten by Sunday night though.

Sunday, after our picnic, Kitty and I retired to my place in Essex. The previous day (I think) Kitty had expressed an interest in doing some more play with her as a little girl, including seeing what it was like on the receiving end of being nappied (the fact that there's a whole ritual around nappying really excites and engages both of us, it seems). We got her into some Bambinos and did a bit of a photoshoot, which was actually all a bit of a misfire, as we didn't have the correct nappy size for her (she is quite a bit bigger around the hips and waist than I), so we ended up trying to jankily tape some nappies down. It was all a bit of a mess. Some correct-sized nappies have since been ordered.

We did manage to get her into some Depends, though. I honestly thought that Depends would not be anywhere near as appealing as the created-with-the-AB-kink-in-mind Bambinos. However, I was surprised to find that they hugged her behind rather well, and I must admit that, seeing her standing in front of me, pigtails in her hair and stuffed toy in hand, wearing absolutely nothing apart from a big, soft, white nappy absolutely gave me the most raging horn, which we were only too glad to act upon.

What surprises me though is that I honestly didn't expect to be able to throw myself so easily into the daddy role and engage in some daddy/little girl play like that. I'm glad to have found some play that we both enjoy, but I still find it strange that I'm increasingly becoming at ease - more than that: enjoying - being the adult caretaker in ageplay/adult baby play. It's certainly interesting, and Kitty and I are still talking through what this means to us and the future of our play with this kink (Kitty is equally, perhaps more, freaked out by the ease with which she slips into the 'baby' role, something she never had thought would appeal to her) but I guess we'll find out what becomes of our discussions of that in the future.

So yeah, phew, a nice, ageplay-themed weekend. And, it seems, one of many to come.

*Oh, and on the subject of the Bizarre Ball, I would just like to say that the photos of Kitty and I in our little kid/adult baby-style outfits were not featured in the Ball photo round-up printed in the latest issue. However, someone in an 'adult baby' outfit that basically amounted to lots of nubile flesh and nearly-completely-visible tits did get featured, twice. More accurate portrayal of the fetish loses out to a blonde-girl-with-her-tits-out, 'sexy' appropriation of it. Grrr. (Ok, minor pissing rant over).

goal

(Fun fact: you can read a different account of the following at PurrVersatility, my girlfriend Kitty's blog)

As you may know if you're following the current World Cup to any degree, there was a US/England match a few nights ago. Since Kitty and I are in fact from the US and England respectively, we thought it'd be cute to make a little wager on the outcome of the game, with some sort of sexy reward for whoever's national team ended up triumphant. Kitty suggested that the winner would take the submissive role in a scene of their choice (I'm not that good at finding ways to bring my occasional dom side out, so really, this little wager was exactly what Kitty needed to prise it out of me in a fun way). Kitty chose an incestuous disciplinary scene between father and daughter (she's no stranger to taboo play, that one) and I - as you may have gathered considering the blog's main focus - chose an ageplay scene.

Now, I promise that I would have been a gent and opted for us to do both scenes regardless of the result of the game. However, we'll never know if that's just a lie or not, as the game actually ended in a 1-1 draw, meaning that, in a sense, we had both won.

Due to time and energy constraints, I got to go first, with Kitty's fantasy-fulfilment happening the following night. I won't really tell you much about her scene just now, as that's not really what this blog is about, but again, feel free to read her take on things over at her blog.

Now, as for my night, I must admit I got incredibly nervous. There's something about doing a sort of play-regression scene whereupon I become a little kid and Kitty becomes my caregiver (or anything else, really. When I first did a big of AB regression-play around her, she was in cat headspace, actually) that gets me all worried. I guess I still worry, on some level, that while she's more or less accepting of the fetish items of my kink, Kitty may still balk when confronted directly with 'little me'. Luckily, my panicky whimpering does a great job of drawing out Kitty's sincerely comforting side, and she really did do a great job of helping me through it.

So yes, to the actual scene. Basically, there was diapering, first and foremost. And for the first time, I didn't just put on a diaper/nappy in front of Kitty, but we actually talked through how to put one on, and how to do all the little ritual bits (the lotion, the powder, etc), which turned the whole thing into a very sweet little lesson-cum-bonding-experience for the both of us (with added cock-groping, which both of us found quite pleasant, really).

Once the key artefacts were assembled (tippee cup, cuddly toys, book to read for my bedtime story, dummy/pacifier), I took out my contact lenses.

Now, usually at this point I'd shove on my glasses. Even though I wear contacts, I still keep my glasses about as a sort of liminal eyewear: great for making sure I don't bump into the furniture on that walk from the bathroom where I keep my lens solution to my bed. However, I had in fact broken the damn things a few days ago, rendering them unwearable (don't worry, it was just the arms that broke, and some glue has fixed them by the time of writing).

Now, in terms of the scene this presented a problem. We were planning on doing a simple 'bedtime' scene where Kitty would diaper me, dress me in my sleeper, read me a story and tuck me in and then we'd genuinely go to sleep. If I took my contacts out inbetween the story and the tucking in, that'd be a pretty severe breaking of character.

So yes, our solution was for me to take them off my lenses beforehand, leaving me partially debilitated, as I really am quite short-sighted. The great part of all this though was that it really did add to the scene, actually. Without full vision I really couldn't do a lot of things for myself and really did need some caring assistance from Kitty. Plus, I genuinely wouldn't be able to read the story myself and would rely solely on Kitty's voice and a hazy interpretation of the illustrations. We'd been thinking of a way to manufacture this sort of dynamic in a scene - our best idea up to this point was to have Kitty reading me something in a foreign language, so that I genuinely wouldn't quite understand it and would learn it gradually as we went along, but that really would only simulate a very young age indeed - but as it turns out, my clumsiness with my glasses had actually allowed us to stumble upon a much better idea.

So yeah, there I am, in Kitty's bedroom in nothing but a bambino nappy, fumbling my way back to the bed and my fleece footed sleeper. I start to put in on myself put then, when I get to the zip, Kitty reaches forward and offers to help zip me up and snap, right then and there I enter little headspace. Suddenly I'm just a little kid who needs zipping up and Kitty is my loving caregiver. It's a wonderful feeling.

Kitty even made a little game of doing up the zip that honestly sounds inane now that I think of ways to try and describe it in adult terms, but aroused lots of giggles from 'little me'.

So yeah, I ended up tucked in bed, in Kitty's arms and being read a story (The Boy Who Cried Fabulous, for the curious among you), with a cuddly toy in one hand, a tippee cup in the other and a dummy in my mouth. We played the usual games that one plays with little kids when reading them a story: asking them to find things in the illustrations, etc, and it was all made so much more authentic by the fact that, with the visual ones at least, I really did struggle a little and felt genuinely quite proud when I did manage to locate something.

After the story (and Kitty is a really wonderful narrator, by the way) came bedtime proper.

One thing I haven't mentioned so far is that, beforehand I had asked Kitty what I should call her when we were in the scene. We'd only really tried an ageplay scene like this once before (as Kitty commented the next morning, she often forgets that I'm only just feeling my way around this kink, learning what I like and don't like too) and during that I'd called her 'Daddy'. Now, Kitty's queer as anything and I'd called her 'Daddy' before in other contexts, but she admitted later, both to me in person and on her blog, to being perplexed by this. To me, it had seemed the natural choice seeing as how she was taking on a sort of queer parental role and, frankly, it might prove just a tad too weird and Freudian were I to start calling her my 'Mummy', even in a scene that would lend itself to that. But what surprised me the most about the whole experience was this: it really didn't feel weird at all. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that I didn't find it a strange thing to say (whilst in that headspace) and she seemed to react really very well to it, so that was a positive.

Anyway, the next morning, I wake up and I'm regular me again, just now in a diaper and footed sleeper (although frankly, adult-me wears that too, occasionally). Kitty and I talked about what we took away from the scene: what we thought worked and what didn't. Again, we're still new at actually trying all this out, and she herself is really still quite new when it comes to ageplay at all, but luckily we're finding that the more we communicate about it, the more we're likely to make future experiences that'll appeal to both of us.

So yeah, I feel I've bored you enough now. Once again, for more on what happened the next night, feel free to check out Kitty's blog. And if you're curious about whether we'll continue to make bets like this in the future, just remember that the next England and US fixtures are set for the 18th and the 23rd, so stay tuned!

Me, I'm hoping for some sort of puppyplay scene next time, methinks...

picnic in the park

Ok, so, ageplay munch this last Sunday. How did that go? Well, it went fine. My girlfriend and I, the organisers of the bloody thing, turned up late, so that was a big hiccup, but luckily it all seemed to go a bit more smoothly after that. Basically there were just under a dozen of us and we all sat down to eat lunch/nibbles on a big picnic blanket in a park in London where we enjoyed some weather that thankfully managed to stay reasonably nice for the time that we were there (although it did threaten).

And yes, there was lots and lots of talking about what it is the community really needs. One of my girlfriend's hats is that of a party/event organiser, so basically she was able to launch in with a whole host of questions about what people would want out of a friendly, ABDL space that we could come to on a regular basis, and people largely seemed eager to offer suggestions. So yeah, it seems I may have inadvertently volunteered to help set-up and run a regular ABDL event. I'll let you know how that develops, I guess.

Some people at the meet were more quiet but others were very much happy for a chance to rant about a clearly dear topic and others still have already emailed me, eager about the proposed next one, so that makes me feel fairly confident that this must have gone well.

I swear the next one there will be more time for fun, games and kites (seriously, someone brought a kite, I am quite chuffed at that fact) and the whole thing will feel somewhat less like an impromptu event meeting with humus and crudités.

Still, like I said, it went well. People are looking forward to the next one.

And yeah, the onus is on me to arrange the next one, so I guess I'd better jump in the deep end and actually learn how to navigate the waters of the online kink/ABDL communities. Let's see how I do, shall we?

in

Today, someone commented to me that they wish they were as 'out' as I was. This came as no small surprise to me, actually, as I still feel that I'm somewhat closeted about my AB side. To be fair, yes, I did kind of tell a fair few of my friends about it, and yes, there are photos of me wearing romper suits, dungarees and onesies on facebook of all places, a place that my own family frequent...But still, I feel that last one at least is somewhat of a cheat: I'm at/going to costume events in each of the photos in question, and as for my family, well, they either don't check their facebook pages that often or, frankly, are doing equally questionable things on their pages and shouldn't really be commenting on me, really. It's not like I pasted a picture of someone giving me a handjob whilst changing my nappy onto my grandmother's wall or anything.

Still, the point remains, I am actually still quite 'out' compared to a fair few ABDLs out there. 'Out' in that I actually involve myself in the community at all. Or, at least, I am now only just beginning to. But this is after years of not really exploring my AB side, so I can very much understand people still going through feelings of trepidation, thinking how daunting it can be to actually involve oneself in this community at all. For years I too only really had the occasional fling with the online side of things (to be fair, this is perhaps equally the fault of the way certain online AB communities are set up, but that's not what this post is about) and would have been hella nervous about actually talking to someone about this stuff in real life.

And the truth is, I still get nervous and full of trepidation when talking about it. I'm not a perfect human being by any stretch, and I admit to getting really quite defensive and weird when my girlfriend asks questions about my AB side. This is because of a worry that, if she's not getting it, that must mean that she's against it and therefore judging me. It's a kneejerk reaction, equal parts understandable and yet wrong. I really should be encouraging her rather than getting defensive, yet it's hard to get over several years worth of training yourself to think that people really are going to stigmatise you because of this kink. And frankly, there is some truth in that; ABDLs are often stigmatised even within kink communities. My girlfriend - in another amazing showing of how she's earnestly trying to get all of this - was reading a book about people's experiences with ageplay today, and she was telling me of an example where an individual was severely frowned upon by people in the leather community for their ageplay leaning. So it does, anecdotally at least, seem to happen.

My girlfriend and I are lucky in that we have a circle of very kinky, very open-minded friends, many of them literally San Franciscan, so take from that what you will. However, not everyone is like that, hence some people, especially those without the aid of an obvious kink or ageplay community around them (except for the online one) can seem to struggle. And yes, a real, physical community that have munches and meet-ups together is incredibly important, but more on that in the next post.

If there's a point to this post at all, I guess it's just to help me process the mixed feelings I have today from speaking with both my girlfriend and this other friend that I mentioned (let's call her 'Em'). Oh, and I should be seeing Em and her 'daddy' for coffee this week and having a big ol' chat about ageplay, so stay tuned to see how that goes, I guess.

Why is it the only AB types I ever see online who don't seem as (potentially) neurotic about it all as me...

...are the AB professionals like Ms Penny here?

Maybe I should become an AB kink-worker, then I'll know.

a 'little' rant

This site doesn't, but most AB-related sites feature somewhere prominent a big ol' disclaimer stating that adult baby stuff does not involve real children! (well, except for the fact that we're all somebody's child, I guess *fnar fnar*)

I kind of understand the need to do this sometimes, as I guess that an ignorant Googler might accidentally wander onto a site that mentions both diapers-and-pacifiers and sexual play and might, in a moment of panic, grasp the wrong end of the proverbial.

Still, people do worry a great deal about any potential links between the fetishisation of adult babies and the sexualisation of real children. I remember reading about Baby Ella, who lost her job as a teacher after talking about her AB kink on television. Now, to me, firing someone because of their actually-really-very-harmless-and-don't-ever-escape-the-bedroom kinks really is akin to firing someone because of their sexuality. Despite what the pearl-clutchers might say, kids aren't actually in danger from simply being around people with kinks, especially if that person isn't exactly in their kink persona 24/7. I mean, we have lives people, come on; we don't live every minute like we're in the Folsom Street fair.

So yes, I glibly say that adult-baby-play has as much to do with real children as ponyplay has to do with real ponies or, hell, any kind of sexual dominance/submission has to do with actual slavery! But really, that would only be a part of the issue, as with AB stuff it's a bit more complicated.

When it comes to bringing AB stuff into a relationship with another person, it can often seem a bit freakish and weird because, while they probably don't think that acting like a baby makes you want to go out and grope one, they probably do realise that you were - believe it or not - once a real baby yourself, and playing with this kink might in fact be a) a bit taboo and b) possibly bringing to the forefront some sort of childhood trauma, and yes, that can prove a worry.

To be honest though, I'm not really in the mood right now for a response other than "fuck it." Yes AB stuff might be bringing to the forefront some sort of repressed trauma, but fuck it, so might a handful of other kinks. Yes I like AB stuff but fuck it, no it doesn't affect my attitude towards kids now or to any kids I myself might even potentially have in the future.

I'm not trying to write off thinking and talking about these things. Hell, I'm all about opening dialogues and asking "why does this weird you out" equally as often as "why am I even into this?" But still, sometimes I'll be reminded of people like Baby Ella and the kneejerk "perverts equal paedophiles" reaction that some people have, and it just makes me want to scream "fuck it, just accept that people have kinks, ok?"

Ok, this one really is written stream-of-consciousness-style, I guess

For all our good will, my girlfriend and I still struggle with my AB side. She admittedly flips between genuine curiosity about it and a tendency to find it a bit too freakish for her. And I struggle with trying to communicate exactly what it is AB means to me, which is something that I feel that, if I could do well, things would go a whole lot more smoothly for both myself and for her, as I'd be more easily able to communicate exactly what it is I want out of my AB side and why I want it.

There are loads of theories as to what exactly 'makes one' an AB. As a teen (or 'TB', I suppose, to use the community jargon), I was obsessed with trying to understand the psychological underpinnings behind kinks, quirks and fetishes. I wanted to find out what had made me this way, what had made me 'abnormal'. Nowadays my passion for psychology has faded, and I tend to think that any over-analysis of potential reasons behind kinks ends up sounding too much like that 'finding your root' scene in the queer satire But I'm a Cheerleader, wherein a bunch of gay boys and girls try to find a specific moment in their past that took them off the beaten path and into the wild woods of perversity. Basically, it sounds kind of ludicrous and also tends to pathologise 'abnormal' sexualities, by positing them as something which must have been caused by some sort of straying from the 'norm'. "If x event hadn't happened, I would have turned out normal."

Ok, yeah, AB stuff is pretty 'abnormal,' in the strictest sense, I'll be honest. But it sure isn't crazy.

One theory that my girlfriend raised is that it's to do with neediness, about having a space or a persona wherein you feel it's ok to be needy and ask to have all your needs met by others. I don't know. For all I know there are as many reasons one becomes an AB as there are ABies, but it's certainly something I've been thinking about since she brought it up.

Anyway, I haven't achieved any sort of conclusion as yet, so sorry for the confused/confusing post, I guess, but really, I just wanted to check into this blog before this weekend.

"What happens this weekend?" you ask...

Well, this Sunday I'm actually attending my first ever ageplay munch: a get-together for a bunch of ageplayers where we'll actually have a pleasant sit and a talk. Well, that was the theory, anyway. A recent look at this Sunday's weather means we may have to make a last-minute change from the outdoor picnic that we had been planning, but still, the show will go on somewhere and somehow.

I'll admit, I'm actually feeling a lot of apprehension about this whole thing. I mean, I've met ABies, DLs and even 'parent' types in reality before, but never have I met a whole group at once and I've certainly never met any while with a partner, either. If I'm going to hang everything out there and expose my feelings completely, I'll be honest: I'm a little worried about how my partner's going to take all this. Fuck it, I'm really worried about how I'm going to take all this. In my most outlandish fears, I keep guessing that all the people that I'm going to meet will be utter crazies and will put my girlfriend off completely. Even worse, what if they're completely sane about the whole thing and it turns out that I'm the crazy one, with all my neuroses and nonsense? *sigh* At the heart of all this is of course my fear that I'm going to drive away my girlfriend with this weird fetish of mine. For all my supposed pride about it, I do realise how strange it seems to have this fetish and how odd it can seem to other people. I have a girlfriend who has played with furries, ponygirls and even done some pretty risqué taboo-play, but this has the potential to freak her out. Put in blunt black-and-white terms, this weekend will either make her see how normal AB stuff is and give her some sort of positive epiphany or alternatively she'll be completely thrown by a group of nappy-wearing weirdos. The likely result is somewhere in the middle, but that doesn't really have the same sort of rhetorical weight to it.

I'm worried. I'm hella worried, and it pains me to even admit that. Still, my girlfriend is a real trooper. Hell, she even arranged this munch. As I've said before, she really is going above and beyond to try and understand all of this. But yeah, I'll guess we'll see how it goes...

nook

When you're an AB, it's incredibly easy to feel shame. I mean, if I had my way, I'd love for this blog to be nothing but "hey ABies, [yes, I actually did just type 'ABies'] don't feel shame!" over and over again, Jack Torrance-style, as that's kind of a large part of my ultimate mission with this blog. However, I know things aren't as simple as that; you can't just tell people to smile and get over it and assume that they will. Hell, I feel shame about all this, quite a bit actually. And then I feel shame about feeling shame and... Ok, I'm getting off track. I can (and will!) be super positive about all this, I promise.

The point is that, even with all the fucking AB Pride in the world, it's never that easy to tell someone else about your kink. Not early on, anyway. Full disclosure: I'm still young and I'm still learning about the best ways to do all this kink-in-relationships stuff. Finding someone else to share your AB side with isn't easy. Yes, there are online AB communities, which have their uses, but frankly, can prove off-putting and weird just as often as they are (positively) eye-opening and helpful.

A lot of ABies, however, are going to end up sharing their kink with someone else who is not at all AB-inclined.

This can be freakin' tough as, yeah, it is a weird fetish. I mean, remember that shame I mentioned up there? Get over that! But yeah, seriously, it's still there and it affects me and I just wish it were easy to get over but yeah, telling people who aren't into this about it is a bitch.

That's why I want to share a recent amazing experience.

For a while now (the best part (as it were) of six months) I've been dating this woman who is kinky as anything. It isn't my first time dating a hella-kinky woman, actually. As a matter of fact, it isn't my first time dating a kink-positive sex worker. Still, I know from experience that even if someone is super duper kinked-up, they can have weird-ass reactions when it comes to the whole AB thing. Trust me, I know. I first told her that I was into "ageplay" (a great term for pulling out when you worry that "adult baby" has too much stigma attached, I suppose) fairly early on in the relationship. What's great is that, since that first mention, we have discussed it a lot. Some of the discussion has left me happy, some has left me very defensive and some has left me incredibly worried by the fact that my girlfriend is clearly struggling with a lot of these concepts. Sometimes I put up my hands and just wished that she 'got it'.

However, the point is that she is struggling with it; in the most positive way possible. She hasn't just gone "no, I don't understand this at all" and ignored it, which would just leave that side of me frustrated and ignored, she is working through her ideas about it with me. Sometimes this doesn't have the icecream-and-rainbows ideal result that I'd like, but fuck it, what does? Sometimes she admits to finding it all a bit incomprehensible, but the point is that we are working on it, thinking about it and - more importantly - thinking about ways to make AB play fun for the both of us (but heh, that's a post for another time, methinks).

Anyway, relationship talk and doom and gloom and we'll-work-it-out-someday-somehow aside, I just want to share that, sometimes, I get these amazing little reminders that I have the most amazing girlfriend and that, even though she doesn't completely 'get it' right now, she loves seeing me happy and loves doing what she can to help me explore that side of me.

So yeah, I walk into her room one day and she has refitted her 'puppy nook' (a cubby-hole type space in her bedroom that was there when she moved in; we both immediately decided that it can have no purpose other than 'boy hole') had been converted into a playpen, complete with books made of cardboard, giant cuddly toys and that sort of infant mobile type thing I can't quite remember the name of.

You know what? My face fucking lit up.

I had had one hell of a day and was as tired as anything, but seeing this thing that she had put the time and effort into putting together just lifted my spirits no fucking end. We'd been out and bought ageplay-related stuff together before (namely some niknaks for a 'toybox' themed party and some super cute clothing from vintage shops), but this was the first time that 'little me' had a space all of his own.

I could go on and say what else we did that night, but I feel that that's the subject of another post (on how to make your ageplay work for both you and your maybe-not-into-it-for-the-same-reasons-you-are partner(s)). But look, if this post has any message at all, it's this: negotiating AB stuff with your non-AB partner can be tricky and tiring at times, that's no joke, but here's the thing, if they're even discussing this stuff with you then they're interested, and they're interested in making you happy, and sometimes they show you that they're interested in making you happy.

I'm not shallow. I may kink hard for fetish items but this isn't about that. This is about the fact that my girlfriend went out of her way to make a space for me to play in, and I fucking appreciate that.

Ok, mushing over for now. More practical posts in the future. Maybe.

Start at the very beginning...

In the interest of (partial) disclosure, my name's Michael. I'm opening with that to imply at least some level of openness and trust. My net handle when it comes to the kinkier side of things, however, is Puppy (and variations thereof when I stumble upon a forum where that name is already taken) and that's pretty much what's I'm going by on here.

I'm an adult baby. Not only that, but I recently accidentally outed myself as such to a group of friends in a pub. Rather than shame me, though, this incident acted as a catalyst to make me think about my own feelings about being an AB: my burgeoning "AB pride" and my corresponding hatred of all that exists - both inside and outside the AB community - to shame ABies, my thoughts on what works and what doesn't within the various ABDL communities and also, goddammit, how to make this kink not just accessible but actively sexy while I'm at it.

So yeah, welcome to my blog. Thoughts on AB/kink/kink-pride/diaper-tapes/whatever shall follow...