curbing obsessions

It's been an interesting week for me, AB-wise. This week I've been in contact with people about AB stuff for a whole host of reasons, and it's all been really interesting. However, last night, I was talking with Kitty, who quite politely told me that I have in fact been going on about this AB stuff quite a lot, lately, and in the interest of balance, isn't it time I talked about something else?

Now, I have a tendency to get obsessed over things, it's true. And it's important to understand here that Kitty, who has been wonderfully understanding the whole time, is in no way criticising me for being into AB stuff, but instead for the obsessive behaviour that sometimes comes with it. Now like I say, I'm kind of prone to this sometimes. I am not just 'geeky' in the sense that being 'geeky' is actually kind of sexy and cool, but sometimes I am also 'a geek' in the sense of having poor-to-the-point-of-near-autism interpersonal communication skills and an annoying tendency to get obsessed, caught up with, and filled with a fetishy obsession with minutiae. Also, having a blog about AB pride is in no way a sign that I am immune to a lot of the pitfalls of the AB lifestyle: such as the binge/purge cycle. 'Cause yes, sometimes I binge.

It can be hard, when something is so tied into the way one experiences both sexual pleasure and also intense feelings of comfort, not to get obsessed with it sometimes. I had honestly become unaware of just how often I was bringing up AB things in our conversations. I've done this sort of thing before with other things: Batman, Wicked, whatever my weird obsession of the moment was. It's just that, when it is AB stuff (and it has been before) I really need to dig and find that maturity that reminds me that the problem is not the kink but the level to which I am going on about it, because I really don't want to start slipping into making myself feel shamed for having this kink. Especially not since I know that that is not what Kitty is trying to do. She really has been amazing at getting into this kink and has actually written on it a whole bunch lately, not just on her own blog.

But yes, it is so, so easy to give into that feeling of shame that tugs at my ear and tells me that the problem is the kink, not the behaviour. I am in no way immune to feelings of AB-shame. Still, I'm trying very hard, and I hope to discuss with Kitty very soon some ways in which we can become aware of my obsessive qualities earlier and learn to circumvent them, before I get myself into this trap again.

Oh, and did I mention that I got an AB-related birthday present from Kitty this week? Yeah, that was incredibly sweet of her. Take that, voice in my head that keeps trying to tell me Kitty isn't ok with this kink! Take a good, long look at that gift!

So yeah, I'm working on it. I know I'm not the guy you'll find who is just into this stuff and this stuff alone and is a horrendous bore, but I don't want to start to slip, either. Got to keep that stuff in check. I love my AB side, but it or any other aspect of my personality would become dangerous if it were to start singularly going on about it all the time. Kitty sent me a really good link from the ever-wonderful maymay about how kinks are just one aspect/layer of a relationship; it really is a good message to let sink in. I am not an AB all of the time, or rather, yes, I am, but I do not have to interact with people as an AB all of the time, or else then, I become that guy in the diaper at the play party, you know?