miscellaneous - stories, public play and pro nurseries

The last couple of nights have been punctuated by Kitty reading me bedtime stories. Due to the current eight-hour time difference between us, I've been reading her bedtime stories too. This is one of those things that I think I mentioned in a previous post: it's something that I have difficulty asking for whilst in 'adult' mode. I still get embarrassed when asking for it, or perhaps, more just anxious about what it means if Kitty tells me 'no'. In kid headspace, one can more freely access and express things like desire for nurture, comfort and so on, and hey, maybe it's a gendered thing too; maybe I have a particularly hard time asking for these things because I'm an adult man. When in kid headspace, I can imagine asking for a story with passionately optimism, knowing that when I ask, I expect an assured 'yes' from Mummy,the babysitter or the caretaker in question. That sort of predictability is reassuring. However I also know that if I were to be told 'no' I might express my dismay in a suitably childlike way too. I might whine or sulk, but then likely either be scolded or reassured. However, none of these outcomes would be particularly unwanted, as either way I'd still feel the serenity and release that comes with knowing that I could freely express these emotions and that I'd still be taken care of one way or another (again, either with admonishment or reassurance) whatever the outcome. As an adult, I still might have difficulty processing rejection, and worry that it might come out in one of several, horrible ways: either as whining that's deemed (and rightly so!) as immature, or else in some sort of passive aggressive way. I'm not perfect, I know, but I'm working on that. Still, as one inhabiting kid headspace, it's comforting knowing that one can act out. One is free to express negative emotions as well as the boundless and candid positive emotions that children profess. These negative emotions are, as I said, still ultimately unwelcome and some way is found to get around them, but then, even that is rather nice. Childhood upsets like that are small, and even a little tantrum can be completely forgotten minutes later.

Anyway, where was I? Was this even what I wanted to talk about?

Did I mention that I wore a nappy out in public a couple of weeks ago? Nothing much happened, really, I was just curious to see if I could, I suppose. Someone had worn one under their jeans to that picnic I had had several months back, so I knew it was something that could be done discreetly. So yes, I went down to Tesco nappied and ended up wetting myself in the baked goods isle. Don't worry, I was all about the safety: I made sure that I didn't leak or anything and I certainly didn't shove my hands down there at all.

It was interesting, but it really didn't do anything profound for me. It was nice to realise that I could wear them out without them getting much attention, but it didn't really do much for me. Maybe it would if I were more ashamed, actually. If the thrill came from the sheer embarrassment of being discovered. Maybe this is one of the side-effects of my stint in San Francisco: if someone asks me if something's up, I'm likely to just plainly come out and tell them that I'm wearing a nappy!

Still, at some other point in the last couple of weeks, Kitty and I were engaging in phone sex, and she mentioned to me the idea of having me go out in public in nappies as a sort of experiment in public humiliation. I'm not sure if this is actually something we'd ever really do or whether this was just wank-fodder or what. Maybe it works better as a fantasy than in reality, maybe I'll have to try it to find out. Maybe it would be better with another person there, actually. When I'm on my own and just going down the shops, I'm just going down the shops. When Kitty is there, she can make a scene and point it out, embarrassing me, telling people that I'm her little diapered slut or something, and slyly rubbing against me through my trousers and diaper. Anyway, this blog isn't just supposed to be a record of my fantasies or whatnot, so enough of that for now. Still, my point remains: maybe this whole 'public wearing' thing is something that would be vastly improved by interactivity with another person. More on that as, if and when it ever occurs, I suppose.

For the first time in my life I'm actually seriously considering booking a session with a caretaker at an adult nursery. I'm almost surprised that this has never occurred to me before. I could lie and say that up until recently something like that has been impractical, largely due to issues regarding money and transportation; although those are believable lies and perhaps even half true: I am basically broke and it was only this year that I gained my driving licence (run-on sentence is run-on). The more likely truth is a kind of weird bias against sex work of any kind. Which is incredibly odd, considering I'm in a long-term relationship with a sex worker (and she's not even the first sex worker I've dated) and I even dabble in sex work myself! Still, I must admit, I find it easier to imagine being on the working side of sex work than on the client side. There are many reasons this recent desire to go and see a professional has come up, and one of them is, indeed, in order to try and see what it's like hiring a professional to take care of my kink needs, and hence see what it's like from that perspective and hopefully gain a fuller, richer understanding of the whole thing, that'll make me understand sex work a lot better. Kitty has also been encouraging me to seek outlets for this kink elsewhere (elsewhere as well as her, as opposed to elsewhere instead of her, at least, so is my understanding of things). Plus, right now I have a little bit of birthday money to spend and a clear time limit in which to try this, so the timing is all just right. Time to give it a go and see how the professionals do it, maybe.

Hey, while I'm there, I may ask a few pertinent questions so that I could then write more intelligently on the whole thing when I get back on here to report about it. Either way, you can expect to read about the thing on here once I'm done, I suspect.

curbing obsessions

It's been an interesting week for me, AB-wise. This week I've been in contact with people about AB stuff for a whole host of reasons, and it's all been really interesting. However, last night, I was talking with Kitty, who quite politely told me that I have in fact been going on about this AB stuff quite a lot, lately, and in the interest of balance, isn't it time I talked about something else?

Now, I have a tendency to get obsessed over things, it's true. And it's important to understand here that Kitty, who has been wonderfully understanding the whole time, is in no way criticising me for being into AB stuff, but instead for the obsessive behaviour that sometimes comes with it. Now like I say, I'm kind of prone to this sometimes. I am not just 'geeky' in the sense that being 'geeky' is actually kind of sexy and cool, but sometimes I am also 'a geek' in the sense of having poor-to-the-point-of-near-autism interpersonal communication skills and an annoying tendency to get obsessed, caught up with, and filled with a fetishy obsession with minutiae. Also, having a blog about AB pride is in no way a sign that I am immune to a lot of the pitfalls of the AB lifestyle: such as the binge/purge cycle. 'Cause yes, sometimes I binge.

It can be hard, when something is so tied into the way one experiences both sexual pleasure and also intense feelings of comfort, not to get obsessed with it sometimes. I had honestly become unaware of just how often I was bringing up AB things in our conversations. I've done this sort of thing before with other things: Batman, Wicked, whatever my weird obsession of the moment was. It's just that, when it is AB stuff (and it has been before) I really need to dig and find that maturity that reminds me that the problem is not the kink but the level to which I am going on about it, because I really don't want to start slipping into making myself feel shamed for having this kink. Especially not since I know that that is not what Kitty is trying to do. She really has been amazing at getting into this kink and has actually written on it a whole bunch lately, not just on her own blog.

But yes, it is so, so easy to give into that feeling of shame that tugs at my ear and tells me that the problem is the kink, not the behaviour. I am in no way immune to feelings of AB-shame. Still, I'm trying very hard, and I hope to discuss with Kitty very soon some ways in which we can become aware of my obsessive qualities earlier and learn to circumvent them, before I get myself into this trap again.

Oh, and did I mention that I got an AB-related birthday present from Kitty this week? Yeah, that was incredibly sweet of her. Take that, voice in my head that keeps trying to tell me Kitty isn't ok with this kink! Take a good, long look at that gift!

So yeah, I'm working on it. I know I'm not the guy you'll find who is just into this stuff and this stuff alone and is a horrendous bore, but I don't want to start to slip, either. Got to keep that stuff in check. I love my AB side, but it or any other aspect of my personality would become dangerous if it were to start singularly going on about it all the time. Kitty sent me a really good link from the ever-wonderful maymay about how kinks are just one aspect/layer of a relationship; it really is a good message to let sink in. I am not an AB all of the time, or rather, yes, I am, but I do not have to interact with people as an AB all of the time, or else then, I become that guy in the diaper at the play party, you know?