diapered dining

I haven't written on here in a while. To be honest, I haven't been writing on any of the many online outlets that I have for a while, so, uh, don't think I just picked on this one, I guess.

Still, I just wanted to write about something that happened the other night.

My girlfriend in I were staying in a hotel in Monterey Bay, California, having a couple of days away to celebrate our first anniversary.

We're dressing up to go out to a nice dinner. I'm putting on a shirt and tie. Kitty suddenly asks me whether I want to go out with a diaper on underneath my clothes. I'm stunned. In the most positive way, of course. I didn't really think that this was the sort of thing that she'd be up for. But then, she is actually into the 'teasing me in public' (not quite 'public humiliation') side of things. Plus, there's just something about stealth-kinky that's actually pretty sexy. Earlier on this month she took me to a lecture she was giving and I was actually dressed entirely as a sexy clown underneath my otherwise smart attire. The illusion was perfect, and you really couldn't tell unless you knew. The feeling was, I imagine, much like the feeling closet cross-dressers get from wearing their favourite underwear on under their 'normal' clothes.

Plus, Kitty is kind of more into that side of things than I am, and I am, of course, as someone always looking for a neat compromise for my sexual stuff, always willing to find ways to make my kinks more appealing for my partner to take part in.

But yes, I slip off my smart trousers, lift up my shirt and tuck my tie out of the way, and I lie down on the hotel bed as she leans over me: smile on her face and customised Hello Kitty nappy in her hand (plus some baby lotion and powder in the other hand). We giggle as she rubs on the unguent and pats down the powder, then I feel a rush of comfort/security/bliss as she does up the tabs on the diaper's sides. Then I get up, give her a kiss, and continue to get dressed, with us both smirking at the knowledge of what I have hidden under my trousers.

Again, I dress smartly - waistcoat and all - after all, we're going to a pretty nice and fancyish place.

I won't bore you with the details of the dinner. That's not really what this post is about. Although I will say I did wet myself while waiting for the bill to come. And again when we were parking the car on our return to the hotel. I told Kitty about these instances after the fact, and she was actually fairly shocked to discover that I had been able to 'go' without giving any really obvious outward signs. Again: stealth is a keyword here.

The fact that we were able to do all this, that I was able to wear a nappy out of doors, without anyone really noticing at all was actually pretty fun. The successful stealth-op feel of the whole thing made me grin. Plus, there's also the benefit of the fact that going out with a diaper on does actually make me feel more confident and secure, rather than all embarrassed and giggly. We'd discovered this during a previous instance where she'd had me dress in diapers and a nice suit. "Should I have you diapered up when I send you out for job interviews?" she asked. "After all, if it increases your confidence..."

I think she may have actually been a tad disappointed that I wasn't more embarrassed, as she would have loved to tease me about it in public. We discussed some fantasies about it later, and she might prefer to toy with me a bit more, have me ask "Mummy, can I go to the toilet? I promise I can use it like a big boy," only to tell me 'no' and order me to use my nappy like a baby, all done while we're out and about, of course.

But yes, I imagine that this is something we'll do again, in some form or another.

pin-up

I don't usually come on and just advertise stuff or push products, but I just want to draw people's attention to the new book of pin-up photography Sexy Super Girls by Mike James (available from Goliath Books). It's just a book of pin-up photography, but quite a few of the images have an LG/ageplay bent, it seems. As well as the preview images that you can see on the website (which include a girl in pigtails playing with a couple of baby bottles!), there's also a free pdf preview floating around out there (I won't link to it, in case the version I have is full of viruses and will infect you, but do Google it) that shows some of the other contents, and they include girls cuddling with teddy bears, girls doing some colouring in(!)...

So, yeah...Give it a look if you like your pin-up girls a little bit more ABDL-themed, I guess.

miscellaneous - stories, public play and pro nurseries

The last couple of nights have been punctuated by Kitty reading me bedtime stories. Due to the current eight-hour time difference between us, I've been reading her bedtime stories too. This is one of those things that I think I mentioned in a previous post: it's something that I have difficulty asking for whilst in 'adult' mode. I still get embarrassed when asking for it, or perhaps, more just anxious about what it means if Kitty tells me 'no'. In kid headspace, one can more freely access and express things like desire for nurture, comfort and so on, and hey, maybe it's a gendered thing too; maybe I have a particularly hard time asking for these things because I'm an adult man. When in kid headspace, I can imagine asking for a story with passionately optimism, knowing that when I ask, I expect an assured 'yes' from Mummy,the babysitter or the caretaker in question. That sort of predictability is reassuring. However I also know that if I were to be told 'no' I might express my dismay in a suitably childlike way too. I might whine or sulk, but then likely either be scolded or reassured. However, none of these outcomes would be particularly unwanted, as either way I'd still feel the serenity and release that comes with knowing that I could freely express these emotions and that I'd still be taken care of one way or another (again, either with admonishment or reassurance) whatever the outcome. As an adult, I still might have difficulty processing rejection, and worry that it might come out in one of several, horrible ways: either as whining that's deemed (and rightly so!) as immature, or else in some sort of passive aggressive way. I'm not perfect, I know, but I'm working on that. Still, as one inhabiting kid headspace, it's comforting knowing that one can act out. One is free to express negative emotions as well as the boundless and candid positive emotions that children profess. These negative emotions are, as I said, still ultimately unwelcome and some way is found to get around them, but then, even that is rather nice. Childhood upsets like that are small, and even a little tantrum can be completely forgotten minutes later.

Anyway, where was I? Was this even what I wanted to talk about?

Did I mention that I wore a nappy out in public a couple of weeks ago? Nothing much happened, really, I was just curious to see if I could, I suppose. Someone had worn one under their jeans to that picnic I had had several months back, so I knew it was something that could be done discreetly. So yes, I went down to Tesco nappied and ended up wetting myself in the baked goods isle. Don't worry, I was all about the safety: I made sure that I didn't leak or anything and I certainly didn't shove my hands down there at all.

It was interesting, but it really didn't do anything profound for me. It was nice to realise that I could wear them out without them getting much attention, but it didn't really do much for me. Maybe it would if I were more ashamed, actually. If the thrill came from the sheer embarrassment of being discovered. Maybe this is one of the side-effects of my stint in San Francisco: if someone asks me if something's up, I'm likely to just plainly come out and tell them that I'm wearing a nappy!

Still, at some other point in the last couple of weeks, Kitty and I were engaging in phone sex, and she mentioned to me the idea of having me go out in public in nappies as a sort of experiment in public humiliation. I'm not sure if this is actually something we'd ever really do or whether this was just wank-fodder or what. Maybe it works better as a fantasy than in reality, maybe I'll have to try it to find out. Maybe it would be better with another person there, actually. When I'm on my own and just going down the shops, I'm just going down the shops. When Kitty is there, she can make a scene and point it out, embarrassing me, telling people that I'm her little diapered slut or something, and slyly rubbing against me through my trousers and diaper. Anyway, this blog isn't just supposed to be a record of my fantasies or whatnot, so enough of that for now. Still, my point remains: maybe this whole 'public wearing' thing is something that would be vastly improved by interactivity with another person. More on that as, if and when it ever occurs, I suppose.

For the first time in my life I'm actually seriously considering booking a session with a caretaker at an adult nursery. I'm almost surprised that this has never occurred to me before. I could lie and say that up until recently something like that has been impractical, largely due to issues regarding money and transportation; although those are believable lies and perhaps even half true: I am basically broke and it was only this year that I gained my driving licence (run-on sentence is run-on). The more likely truth is a kind of weird bias against sex work of any kind. Which is incredibly odd, considering I'm in a long-term relationship with a sex worker (and she's not even the first sex worker I've dated) and I even dabble in sex work myself! Still, I must admit, I find it easier to imagine being on the working side of sex work than on the client side. There are many reasons this recent desire to go and see a professional has come up, and one of them is, indeed, in order to try and see what it's like hiring a professional to take care of my kink needs, and hence see what it's like from that perspective and hopefully gain a fuller, richer understanding of the whole thing, that'll make me understand sex work a lot better. Kitty has also been encouraging me to seek outlets for this kink elsewhere (elsewhere as well as her, as opposed to elsewhere instead of her, at least, so is my understanding of things). Plus, right now I have a little bit of birthday money to spend and a clear time limit in which to try this, so the timing is all just right. Time to give it a go and see how the professionals do it, maybe.

Hey, while I'm there, I may ask a few pertinent questions so that I could then write more intelligently on the whole thing when I get back on here to report about it. Either way, you can expect to read about the thing on here once I'm done, I suspect.

curbing obsessions

It's been an interesting week for me, AB-wise. This week I've been in contact with people about AB stuff for a whole host of reasons, and it's all been really interesting. However, last night, I was talking with Kitty, who quite politely told me that I have in fact been going on about this AB stuff quite a lot, lately, and in the interest of balance, isn't it time I talked about something else?

Now, I have a tendency to get obsessed over things, it's true. And it's important to understand here that Kitty, who has been wonderfully understanding the whole time, is in no way criticising me for being into AB stuff, but instead for the obsessive behaviour that sometimes comes with it. Now like I say, I'm kind of prone to this sometimes. I am not just 'geeky' in the sense that being 'geeky' is actually kind of sexy and cool, but sometimes I am also 'a geek' in the sense of having poor-to-the-point-of-near-autism interpersonal communication skills and an annoying tendency to get obsessed, caught up with, and filled with a fetishy obsession with minutiae. Also, having a blog about AB pride is in no way a sign that I am immune to a lot of the pitfalls of the AB lifestyle: such as the binge/purge cycle. 'Cause yes, sometimes I binge.

It can be hard, when something is so tied into the way one experiences both sexual pleasure and also intense feelings of comfort, not to get obsessed with it sometimes. I had honestly become unaware of just how often I was bringing up AB things in our conversations. I've done this sort of thing before with other things: Batman, Wicked, whatever my weird obsession of the moment was. It's just that, when it is AB stuff (and it has been before) I really need to dig and find that maturity that reminds me that the problem is not the kink but the level to which I am going on about it, because I really don't want to start slipping into making myself feel shamed for having this kink. Especially not since I know that that is not what Kitty is trying to do. She really has been amazing at getting into this kink and has actually written on it a whole bunch lately, not just on her own blog.

But yes, it is so, so easy to give into that feeling of shame that tugs at my ear and tells me that the problem is the kink, not the behaviour. I am in no way immune to feelings of AB-shame. Still, I'm trying very hard, and I hope to discuss with Kitty very soon some ways in which we can become aware of my obsessive qualities earlier and learn to circumvent them, before I get myself into this trap again.

Oh, and did I mention that I got an AB-related birthday present from Kitty this week? Yeah, that was incredibly sweet of her. Take that, voice in my head that keeps trying to tell me Kitty isn't ok with this kink! Take a good, long look at that gift!

So yeah, I'm working on it. I know I'm not the guy you'll find who is just into this stuff and this stuff alone and is a horrendous bore, but I don't want to start to slip, either. Got to keep that stuff in check. I love my AB side, but it or any other aspect of my personality would become dangerous if it were to start singularly going on about it all the time. Kitty sent me a really good link from the ever-wonderful maymay about how kinks are just one aspect/layer of a relationship; it really is a good message to let sink in. I am not an AB all of the time, or rather, yes, I am, but I do not have to interact with people as an AB all of the time, or else then, I become that guy in the diaper at the play party, you know?

maternal

My lovely Kitty attended her second ageplay adventure, this time as a 'Mommy' and had a much better time than at her first one. You can read about it here.

talking and tabulating: my need for nurture and how it found an adult outlet

The last several weeks have really changed some of my thoughts and views on ABDL stuff, you know?

Don't worry, I'm not going to suddenly come off as completely anti it. I haven't done a 180 and become a complete anti-pervert, no fear.

Still, as our wildly differing reactions to the 'Ageplay Adventure' clearly showed, Kitty and I really needed to do some thinking about where our ABDL play was going to go. I still had desires that I wanted met, but didn't want to make Kitty feel uncomfortable about trying to meet them.

So, following the oldest and best relationship advice there is, we talked. We talked about this conflict, openly and sincerely. I'll admit, Kitty instigated things, and I was a little slow to get started, still thinking that maybe, just maybe, I could avoid all of this and the tension would go away.

Then, I came upon a solution.

Kitty has long been a proponent of the idea that my ABDL side is a way for me to ask to have needs met that I don't feel comfortable asking to get met as an adult. I never really got what she meant by this until I had a minor epiphany...during a handjob.

Ok, not a handjob, a 'genital massage' according to the wonderfully hippyish book we were copying techniques from. Kitty gets all sorts of tension in her muscles and also likes feeling that her lovers are actually learning new skills in order to best help her, so I'd actually been trying to be a better masseuse. Plus, there's the obvious benefits for me, too: getting to rub myself all over my gorgeous Kitty and getting a more relaxed, happier and more body-aware Kitty to cuddle up against after its all done.

Anyway, one time, Kitty decides to reward me for my efforts by taking a look through the book herself and giving me some moves pulled from the page marked 'genital massage: male'.

Needless to say, I came. Not only that, I had a frankly amazing orgasm.

Still, something I realised later was this: I got a lot of the same feelings and sensations from genital massage as I do when Kitty changes my nappy. It surprised me but it was true. In both, I feel completely at ease, taken care of by a loving Kitty. I feel like she is paying very close and delicate attention to me and my privates (without simply 'jacking me off'). I feel more aware of my body, and like my body is, temporary, the key site for Kitty's attention too, in a way that is completely removed from the way I'd feel during just regular sexual activity. No, this way far more relaxed, and with a focus on taking care of me. The physical sensations weren't that different either: I was lying on my back while Kitty leaned over me, carefully applying her hands to my genitals. The pleasant smells of the massage oil that we were using even mirrored - to me, at least - the scent of baby powder and lotion that I find so comforting.

I felt completely and totally at ease.

Now, I have a hard time asking for my needs to be met. I find it very tough to ask someone, even someone with whom I'm intimate, to take care of my need to be nurtured, sometimes. I think that - without it any way being too critical of my AB side - a large reason I even have an AB side is so that I have a persona in which I can feel comfortable asking for my most essential needs for comfort and nurturing can be met. Now, Kitty is awesome at taking care of me, just so we're clear. I just need to communicate my needs better and also find ways in which we can both benefit from the experience.

But anyway, yes, back to the talk and my little epiphany. I realised that one of the ways I could make things easier for both of us would be if I took a long look at the various elements of my ABDL kink, my fetish, looked at what exactly got me off or made me feel better in each instance, and looked for a way to take that element and make it something perhaps more age-appropriate and definitely something we could both enjoy.

Just to be clear: I'm not trying to 'purge' my ABDL side or ignore it. I'm not wholesale swapping it out for something 'better'. It's still there, I just needed to consciously evolve it somewhat.

So I went and did some self-improvement homework. And there were spreadsheets, yay! Kitty was mighty pleased that I would even get so excited about self-improvement and self-development, and it was great just to see her so happy over that, let alone to see her so relieved that I was finally dealing with what is, if I'm being honest here, one of the big bugbears of our relationship. Now, once again, Kitty doesn't detest my AB side, but I think she rightfully has said that it does some developing before it becomes something we can both enjoy equally.

But hey, now I have a spreadsheet! The spreadsheet (more of a table, really, I just love saying 'spreadsheet') takes each little part of what gets me off about my ABDL kink and tries to think of a more adult way I can get that same need fixed and a way I can share that adult need with Kitty.

Take the above example: I like having my nappy changed because it makes me feel taken care of, relaxed, nurtured and also important to the person doing the changing, but actually, I get those same feelings from a more age-appropriate genital massage! It was an amazing realisation: that I could get these needs that I thought were taboo met, I just needed to rephrase and recontextualise them a little. Just to give you an idea of how much this table broke things down, wearing nappies, wetting nappies and messing nappies all had their own entries, separate from getting my nappy changed. Don't worry, there were loads of non-nappy related entries on there too.

Like being read to. I love being read to by my 'Mummy' before I go to bed at night. But here's another instance where Kitty is, in a way, more evolved than I am: she can easily enjoy snuggling into bed and being read a comforting story without the need to go into some sort of toddler headspace. A few nights later, we tried that too: seeing if I could get the same needs (closeness, intimacy) met from being read to as an adult as I would being read to as a child.

Eureka.

We really hit upon something here.

Now, I'm not turning against my ABDL side, it's still there and still comes out. I like regressing. Hell, Kitty likes regressing, and I love being her 'Daddy', but that's a subject for a whole other post. The point here is that I finally realised that a great way to let off some steam, to release the pressure that made me feel like I had to so frequently indulge this kink of mine, was to realise that there are a vast number of other ways to get the same needs met. I just needed to explore a little in order to realise and appreciate that.

And, most importantly, Kitty and I are now a lot happier for having that realisation.

Now, this whole incident happened a few weeks ago and things have changed a little since then (our living arrangements, for example) but the lessons learned essentially still hold. Oh, and I love Kitty so very much, still.

don't be that guy

This vid may be explicitly about not being a creepy foot fetishist, but I think lots of people with other kinks could learn from it too.