maternal

My lovely Kitty attended her second ageplay adventure, this time as a 'Mommy' and had a much better time than at her first one. You can read about it here.

talking and tabulating: my need for nurture and how it found an adult outlet

The last several weeks have really changed some of my thoughts and views on ABDL stuff, you know?

Don't worry, I'm not going to suddenly come off as completely anti it. I haven't done a 180 and become a complete anti-pervert, no fear.

Still, as our wildly differing reactions to the 'Ageplay Adventure' clearly showed, Kitty and I really needed to do some thinking about where our ABDL play was going to go. I still had desires that I wanted met, but didn't want to make Kitty feel uncomfortable about trying to meet them.

So, following the oldest and best relationship advice there is, we talked. We talked about this conflict, openly and sincerely. I'll admit, Kitty instigated things, and I was a little slow to get started, still thinking that maybe, just maybe, I could avoid all of this and the tension would go away.

Then, I came upon a solution.

Kitty has long been a proponent of the idea that my ABDL side is a way for me to ask to have needs met that I don't feel comfortable asking to get met as an adult. I never really got what she meant by this until I had a minor epiphany...during a handjob.

Ok, not a handjob, a 'genital massage' according to the wonderfully hippyish book we were copying techniques from. Kitty gets all sorts of tension in her muscles and also likes feeling that her lovers are actually learning new skills in order to best help her, so I'd actually been trying to be a better masseuse. Plus, there's the obvious benefits for me, too: getting to rub myself all over my gorgeous Kitty and getting a more relaxed, happier and more body-aware Kitty to cuddle up against after its all done.

Anyway, one time, Kitty decides to reward me for my efforts by taking a look through the book herself and giving me some moves pulled from the page marked 'genital massage: male'.

Needless to say, I came. Not only that, I had a frankly amazing orgasm.

Still, something I realised later was this: I got a lot of the same feelings and sensations from genital massage as I do when Kitty changes my nappy. It surprised me but it was true. In both, I feel completely at ease, taken care of by a loving Kitty. I feel like she is paying very close and delicate attention to me and my privates (without simply 'jacking me off'). I feel more aware of my body, and like my body is, temporary, the key site for Kitty's attention too, in a way that is completely removed from the way I'd feel during just regular sexual activity. No, this way far more relaxed, and with a focus on taking care of me. The physical sensations weren't that different either: I was lying on my back while Kitty leaned over me, carefully applying her hands to my genitals. The pleasant smells of the massage oil that we were using even mirrored - to me, at least - the scent of baby powder and lotion that I find so comforting.

I felt completely and totally at ease.

Now, I have a hard time asking for my needs to be met. I find it very tough to ask someone, even someone with whom I'm intimate, to take care of my need to be nurtured, sometimes. I think that - without it any way being too critical of my AB side - a large reason I even have an AB side is so that I have a persona in which I can feel comfortable asking for my most essential needs for comfort and nurturing can be met. Now, Kitty is awesome at taking care of me, just so we're clear. I just need to communicate my needs better and also find ways in which we can both benefit from the experience.

But anyway, yes, back to the talk and my little epiphany. I realised that one of the ways I could make things easier for both of us would be if I took a long look at the various elements of my ABDL kink, my fetish, looked at what exactly got me off or made me feel better in each instance, and looked for a way to take that element and make it something perhaps more age-appropriate and definitely something we could both enjoy.

Just to be clear: I'm not trying to 'purge' my ABDL side or ignore it. I'm not wholesale swapping it out for something 'better'. It's still there, I just needed to consciously evolve it somewhat.

So I went and did some self-improvement homework. And there were spreadsheets, yay! Kitty was mighty pleased that I would even get so excited about self-improvement and self-development, and it was great just to see her so happy over that, let alone to see her so relieved that I was finally dealing with what is, if I'm being honest here, one of the big bugbears of our relationship. Now, once again, Kitty doesn't detest my AB side, but I think she rightfully has said that it does some developing before it becomes something we can both enjoy equally.

But hey, now I have a spreadsheet! The spreadsheet (more of a table, really, I just love saying 'spreadsheet') takes each little part of what gets me off about my ABDL kink and tries to think of a more adult way I can get that same need fixed and a way I can share that adult need with Kitty.

Take the above example: I like having my nappy changed because it makes me feel taken care of, relaxed, nurtured and also important to the person doing the changing, but actually, I get those same feelings from a more age-appropriate genital massage! It was an amazing realisation: that I could get these needs that I thought were taboo met, I just needed to rephrase and recontextualise them a little. Just to give you an idea of how much this table broke things down, wearing nappies, wetting nappies and messing nappies all had their own entries, separate from getting my nappy changed. Don't worry, there were loads of non-nappy related entries on there too.

Like being read to. I love being read to by my 'Mummy' before I go to bed at night. But here's another instance where Kitty is, in a way, more evolved than I am: she can easily enjoy snuggling into bed and being read a comforting story without the need to go into some sort of toddler headspace. A few nights later, we tried that too: seeing if I could get the same needs (closeness, intimacy) met from being read to as an adult as I would being read to as a child.

Eureka.

We really hit upon something here.

Now, I'm not turning against my ABDL side, it's still there and still comes out. I like regressing. Hell, Kitty likes regressing, and I love being her 'Daddy', but that's a subject for a whole other post. The point here is that I finally realised that a great way to let off some steam, to release the pressure that made me feel like I had to so frequently indulge this kink of mine, was to realise that there are a vast number of other ways to get the same needs met. I just needed to explore a little in order to realise and appreciate that.

And, most importantly, Kitty and I are now a lot happier for having that realisation.

Now, this whole incident happened a few weeks ago and things have changed a little since then (our living arrangements, for example) but the lessons learned essentially still hold. Oh, and I love Kitty so very much, still.